The Soda Report
by: Daniel Riehs
PHILADELPHIA—Eighteen-year-old Stan Fleece was asked at a recent party if he'd "care for anything to drink." Sources close to Fleece say that the high-school senior responded by naming a list of obscure soda flavors that he'd like to consume.
"I think he asked for Fresca," said Megan Reagan, and acquaintance of Fleece's. "I don't know who he's trying to impress. My grandmother drinks Fresca. It's not like drinking Fresca makes a person smart or popular."
Popular kid Jim Steed was quoted as saying, "That Stan can be a real ass sometimes. A couple weeks ago I heard him request a can of Surge. They stopped making Surge like three years ago. That's just ignorant. Think of the poor people in Ethiopia. They don't have any soda, let alone a fully-loaded citrus beverage."
Fleece denied our request for an interview, saying that he preferred to "stay home and bask in his funny randomness."