The Movie Report
by: Daniel Riehs
LOS ANGELES—Ralph Cohen, 35, became so bored while watching The Matrix: Reloaded Wednesday that he decided to stick his face in a blender.
"It hurt a little more than I expected," said Cohen, a successful retail salesman. "Can you understand what I'm saying? It's going to take a little while before I get used to talking through this straw."
Cohen's accident was just one of a string of recent self-mutilations reportedly caused by the unprecedented awfulness of the new Wachowski brothers' movie. Experts theorize that some movie watchers lack the emotional development necessary to sit through a movie devoid of plot, characters, and theme. For such people, the only way to break up the monotony is through an act of violent masochism.
"In retrospect, I probably should have seen that movie with the cartoon fish," Cohen added.