God to Release Much-Anticipated Follow-Up Novel
by: Daniel Riehs
NEW YORK—A Heaven spokesperson confirmed last Tuesday that God's long-awaited follow-up novel to the New Testament will be released before 2003. This marks the Deity's first writing attempt since Revelations, which received mixed reviews.
One of the most superstitious of all writers, God never pens His works directly. Instead, He works with ghost writers to produce "inspired" works. While they present factual matters of faith, all of God's books are limited by the styles and imperfections of their human authors.
Another interesting thing about The Creator of the Universe is that he never officially announces which literary works are inspired by Him and which are not. Pope John Paul II recently declared that he would call a Universal Council in June of 2004 to decide which recently-published book would be classified as God's work. While experts believe that J.K. Rowling's upcoming story, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, is the most likely candidate, a number of writers could be working on the notorious book.
The matter of most importance, stress church leaders, is to accurately decide which work is inspired.
"I remember last year, when I mistakenly announced that the June 1997 issue of Disney Adventures was the word of God," said Pope John Paul II. "Boy was that stupid. I was like, 'My bad,' but most people didn't want to listen. And then the schism happened. . . ."
To quote one particular Archbishop, "I don't know, I think those priests in Boston might have an agenda with those Harry Potter books. . . . Personally, I'm hoping that the volume turns out to be a revised version of the Book of Mormon. Those crazy Mormons. Always getting into trouble."
Whatever the book turns out to be, it will inevitably be a best-seller. And of course, if Oprah gets her hands on the novel . . . well, only time will tell.
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