Rock's Unbeaten Streak Against Scissors Reaches 26 Billion
by: Joe Morris
WHITTIER, Calif.—Rock defeated Scissors for the 26 billionth straight time on Tuesday, proving its dominance in the Rock-Paper-Scissors field, sources reported.
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This article has been modified from its original version.
Due to pressure from the World RPS Society, Joe Morris decided to review his sources and remove all mention of the organization from his article.
View our letter of libel from RPS
. . . and walk the fine line between satire and reality.
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Rock-Paper-Scissors, also known as RPS, is the world's number-one method of decision-making. It has been used to settle minor disputes such as the right to go to the bathroom first all the way up to major events, supposedly including the Bush-Gore election debacle.
On Tuesday, thirteen-year-old Jamie Shires unleashed Rock, symbolized by a closed fist, ultimately defeating the more experienced fifteen-year-old Kathleen Gonzales. "It feels good knowing that I've helped secure Rock's dominance over Scissors, but it feels even better knowing that I got to eat the last Jolly Rancher from the bag," said Shires.
Despite its 26 billion victories, it still remains unknown how Rock has been able to continue its success. "It's been hotly debated for years how Rock manages to beat Scissors. Many younger and aggressive players believe that Rock crushes Scissors, while more conservative players hypothesize that Scissors are dulled by Rock," said International RPS Federation President Floyd Jipson.
Rock remains undefeated against all opponents other than Paper. "It's definitely one of the strongest contenders in the game, winning approximately 50% of its matches," added Jipson.
The World Committee on Baton Twirling has yet to recognize Rock-Paper-Scissors as a legitimate sport.
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