Temperature Change Profoundly Affects Neighborhood Florist
by: Daniel Riehs
OAK HILL, Ohio—Frans Hindleman, an employee at the First Avenue location of Jake's Flowers, noticed a disturbing temperature trend early Wednesday morning. Between 7:05 a.m. and 7:06 a.m., the store's greenhouse, located to the rear of the shop, experienced a jump in air temperature of approximately three one-hundredths of a degree.
"I had never seen anything like it," said Hindleman at a recent interview. "Sure, we gradually adjust the greenhouse temperature throughout the year, but a jump of three one-hundredths of a degree in just under one minute? That's insane. I knew right then that something had gone terribly wrong."
Taking precious time to compose himself and gather his thoughts, Hindleman was able to develop a plan to restore the greenhouse to it's normal March temperature of 70.34 degrees Fahrenheit.
"My only real option was an experimental cooling unit under development in Switzerland. So, I telephoned my international contacts in Zurich and requested one of their units."
Although the cooling machine cost nearly $3 million to install, and involved rotating the entire store and greenhouse 90 degrees northward, it has drawn notice from competing florists in the Oak Hill area.
"Just last week," said Marvin Miller of the Floral House, "A flower petal broke off of a large plant and drifted down to the floor of our arboreum. I'm hypothesizing that the tragedy was caused by a change in the air temperature surrounding the plant. Unfortunately, my shop lacks the funds to purchase one of those fancy Swiss machines. Oh, how uncertain my future is!"
Experts at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Little Rock, Arkansas, believe that the rapid temperature changes that Hindleman—and possibly Miller—experienced were caused by sneezing, which releases evil particles into the air.
"Our research—gross bias and extrapolation aside—proves that sneezing can influence the temperature of indoor areas," stated Guy Friedrichson, who holds a Ph.D. in the unpronounceable sciences. This is a world-wide crisis that should be looked into immediately."
Yesterday, a senate sub-committee was organized to investigate the dramatic temperature changes in Oak-Hill area greenhouses. Hopefully, the committee will be able to solve the mystery of these so-called "greenhouse effects" and prevent the polar ice caps from melting, causing a world-wide flood which will destroy the entire civilized, industrial world.
In a related story, the author of this article just stepped out of metaphor.
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