Neighborhood 7-Year-Old Has Five Minutes To Get Rid Of It
by: Daniel Riehs
DETROIT—Donald Stammer, a rising second-grader from East Hills Elementary School, responded to classmate Bobby Davidson with the phrase "What?" late Tuesday afternoon.
He now has five minutes to get rid of it.
Sources close to the boys report that, in the past, Stammer has met with difficulty when trying to get rid of it.
"Frankie made Dave say the word, and then he was like 'Hey Wally,' and then I went 'Huh?' He got real mad and started yelling at people," said playground-buddy Wally Willford at a recent interview. "Donald can be really stupid sometimes. I think he's retarded."
Far from being retarded, Stammer kept an a-plus average in Mrs. Thompson's first-grade class, and currnetly runs a successful import-export business. Although not known for having an uncontrollable temper, he admits that his friends' childish games can be taxing.
"The worst one is 'Two for Flinching'," says Stammer. "People are rewarded for not reacting to an attack. That doesn't make any sense. Sometimes, I become so disillusioned."
For those unfamiliar with the game, "Two for Flinching" involves faking a punch toward one's opponent. If the opponent reacts with any action that implies self-preservation, the aggressor then gives his or her opponent two real punches and yells, "Two for flinching, stupid!"
Although experts are divided over Stammer's fate, most agree that the best strategy for getting rid of it is to find a naive classmate who is unfamiliar with the game.
"He just has to make sure," says John Mylar of the World Ridding Association, "Not to ask a really polite kid. Nothing is more annoying than hearing someone say 'Excuse me?' when he's not even trying to screw you up."
Minutes before our deadline, it was reported that Donald Stammer was indeed unsuccessful in getting rid of it. Services are scheduled for Friday evening at Walterson's Funeral Home.
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