College Freshmen in Desperate Need of Fourth Question
by: Daniel Riehs
CHESTNUT HILL, Mass.—Lunchtime conversations among new students at Boston College recently became stagnated due to a lack of a good fourth question.
"Where are you from?"; "What's your major?"; and "What do you call a carbonated soft drink?"; provided adequate small talk for most freshmen during the first few weeks of school. As students began to settle into their routines, however, they discovered that their familiar list of queries had begun to grow stale.
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Above: Disillusioned college students stand in silence. |
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"I suggested 'Do you really like wearing flip flops with long pants, or are you just trying to fit in?'"; said freshmen Linda Myers. "I don't think anyone liked it, though."
Some experts believe that a fourth question already exists, specifically, "What's your name?".
"That's not really a question though," said Joeseph Marchese, director of the First Year Experience at BC. "Most people just introduce themselves without being asked."
Although most people believe that no fewer than three questions are already in use, one ultra-liberal group just recently brought the validity of "What do you call a carbonated soft drink?" into question.
"Any competent eighteen-year-old should be able to find a person's hometown on of the 'carbonated-soft-drink-name-locator charts' that are sold in the BC bookstore," said Mark Freeman, a Boston College employee. "The charts clearly show that 'soda' is preferred on both coasts, 'pop' is the word of choice in the Midwest, Southerners refer to everything as 'coke,' and residents of Nevada and Utah call the entire class of beverages 'Fizzy Pete.'"
Freeman's theory, of course, revolves around the idea that a question with an easily-found answer is not really a question at all—an idea that confuses students with even the most impractical of majors.
Regardless of how a new question is numbered, students at Boston College are confident that once a new inquiry arises, they will be able to integrate it into their daily conversations.
Added Myers, "I don't even really like flip flops."
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