Ballot Question Would End Left-Handedness
by: Daniel Riehs
BOSTON—Neighborhood voters are growing anxious about the November 5 elections. On that day, a hotly-debated initiative could drastically change the lives of thousands of left-handed school children.
Massachusetts residents will decide whether to end the current system of ambidextrous teaching and immerse left-handed children in a year of intense right-handed study.
Opponents call the initiative a one-size-fits-all attempt to deal with a very complicated issue. Supporters believe that the education of left-handed children is being compromised through ineffective ambidextrous programs.
Under current state law, school districts are allowed to tailor ambidextrous education to fit the needs of their left-handed students, as long as they learn to write right-handedly in two years.
"For the first time in over 30 years, educational control is being placed in the hands of parents and communities," said Timothy Plunken, head of the Down-with-all-this-voting-commotion committee. He then added, "Those Washington Fat Cats are going to pay. Sit tight Fat Cats. Wallow blissfully in your blissful ignorance. The end is near. . . . Stupid Fat Cats."
At a recent press conference, English-for-the-Children spokesman Lincoln Tamayo spoke of her objection to the proposed law.
"The current system segregates southpaws from mainstream classrooms for two, four, even six years. Most of the teachers can't even use their own right hands, so we begin to see the formation of 'hand ghettos,' or as I lovingly call them, 'Intellectual death traps.'"
When asked his opinion of the situation, Thomas F. Birmingham of the Massachusetts state senate replyed, "I've got an idea. How about we just cut out the Legislative branch altogether, OK? We don't really do anything. We just make the laws! I'll initiative you—you'll see!"
Dennis DeYoung, the former lead singer of Styx, could not be reached for an interview, but left the following message.
"Yes, I'd be happy to talk to the New York Times. Wait a minute. . . . This doesn't seem right. No! It begins!"
The issue of ambidextrous education in Colorado will also be decided on November 5. . . . Decided by residents of Colorado, that is. It would just be silly if residents of Massechusetts made the decision.
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