Jesus And Vishnu To Square Off In Ten-Round Prize Fight
by: Nitin Sumangali
LAS VEGAS—In a stunning announcement that shocked even the uncanny soothsayers at ESPN, a showdown of earth-and-heaven-shattering proportions has been scheduled to take place on November 17, 2002.
Touted as "the fight of the century," Jesus Christ will take on Vishnu—the Hindu god who preserves the good of the universe.
Jesus and Vishnu, a pair whom many would consider to be the world's most beloved religious figures, decided that years of quarrelling could only be reconciled with violence.
While many believe their disagreements were spurred from rooming together in New York's East Village, unconfirmed reports posit that the dispute was a result of Vishnu dating Jesus' ex-girlfriend, Gina Conigliaro.
Instead of dueling it out street-fighter style, Jesus and Vishnu have graciously allowed corporate whores to intervene and offer the winner an unprecedented prize of $10 million. The winner will also receive two millennia of blind allegiance by legions of followers and a brand-new Microsoft XBOX.
In a statement from his press secretary, Jason Weinstein, Jesus coyly admitted the XBOX was the swing factor in his decision to participate.
"I mean, Vish is my boy and all," Jesus elucidated as he was interviewed by correspondent Alan Daniels at one of the 39 Starbucks on Canal Street. "But a playa can only take so much shizzle before he gots to fight back. Kna mean?"
Not to be demoralized by his opponent, Vishnu fired back with a glib, "Shut up."
Later, after taking a reasonable amount of time to formulate a pithy remark, Vishnu unleashed a fury of venom that experts hypothesize left Jesus stunned.
"I don't know how J—who can't even clean the bathroom without my help—expects to defeat me in a boxing match. I mean 'Hello?' I have twice as many hands as him. This can only spell defeat for the boy from Jerusalem."
Hours before our deadline, Jesus admitted that he hadn't thought of the significant advantage Vishnu's extraneous appendages posed and admitted that he was considering dropping out of the fight.
Deciding that soccer is "the manliest sport around," Jesus then suggested the pair settle their argument with a soccer match. Vishnu had yet to respond when this story went to press.
Don King currently represents both parties.
« Back (Volume 1, Issue 8)
[Current Issue]
