Pentagon Strives To Link Saddam Hussein With Kevin Bacon
by: Daniel Riehs
WASHINGTON—A high-level Defense-Department team has made it their top priority to link Iraqi President Saddam Hussein with actor Kevin Bacon, sources reported Tuesday.
Although the team is using complex computing techniques to analyze information gathered by the CIA and the Defense Intelligence Agency, they have yet to connect the leader of Iraq and the talented co-star of My Dog Skip in fewer than seven steps.
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Above: (left to right) Kevin Bacon, double-sided arrow, Saddam Hussein. |
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Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld just yesterday ordered the team to hunt for information which may have been overlooked in their search.
In response to Rumsfeld's comment, team members immediately released a statement saying something to the effect of, "Holy &%#$! Why didn't we think of that? We've been sitting around doing nothing and all we had to do was read overlooked reports. How could we have been so stupid, you &%$#@ . . ."
Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz expressed his doubts about the motives of the team during a press conference Wednesday.
"I think Rumsfeld's just using this as an excuse to download a bunch or Bacon movies off Kazaa," said Wolfowitz. "That pentagon internet hookup is pretty tight."
A Pentagon spokesperson was quoted as saying, "I can't believe it's that simple! Wait. . . . Oh, never mind. I thought you said that he did order the assassination of Gary Sinise."
While most experts believe that that the team will ultimately just fabricate whatever information they feel is necessary to publish a definitive link between the two men, President Bush remains optimistic about the team's work.
"I mean, if you think about it, [Saddam Hussein] and Kevin Bacon are really the same person—inseperable in every way," said Bush at his weekly radio address. "As Americans, we all have a very big responsibility."
The team was originally created to find a link between Saddam and the terrorist organization al-Qaeda. That plan was abandoned when several of the team members complained that they were bored.
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