Boston College Announces $50 Million Infrastructure Improvement
by: Daniel Riehs
CHESTNUT HILL, Mass.—Reporters gathered in Boston College's O'Neil Plaza Wednesday as an ambitious construction plan was revealed to the public. Three hundred tons of concrete will be used to widen every footpath, trail, and walkway on the Boston College campus. This announcement comes just weeks after the publication of a controversial study linking the narrowness of college walkways to the "trampledness" of grass at America's top universities.
Father William P. Leahy, President of Boston College, told reporters, "Currently, when a student needs to pass another student on the way to class, he or she has to step off of a pathway onto the grass. When our new plan is put into place, students will be able to step off a walkway onto a concrete extension. This will prevent erosion, keep our lawns looking green, and contribute to the general well-being of all BC students.
When asked what would happen if a student needed to step off of the concrete extensions, Leahy stated that such an occurrence "would be so ridiculous that a bag of ridiculousness might as well be dumped all over this ridiculous idea."
To free up the needed funds for the new project, university officials have decided to eliminate the Romance Language Department, citing that "they don't really do anything anyway." Extra resources could also be garnered by trimming specialty-housing budgets.
I don't even know why those kids on the substance-free floor need a half-million dollar budget," said Gerard T. Boyle, Assistant Director of Auxiliary Services. "It's not like they do anything of substance. Get it. Substance."
Boyle then began rolling around on the floor in a fit of laughter, seemingly oblivious to the fact that no one, except for himself, found the joke to be funny.
"I think this new project helps to put everything into perspective," said Steven Walterson, BC class of 2006. "Here we are, spending millions of dollars on concrete, and six million people are starving in Zimbabwe. Hmm . . . maybe if I can get a bunch of people to wear t-shirts and form a human pyramid in the quad, poverty will go away."
BC officials hope to create a new "Department of Infrastructure" to oversee the project, which is scheduled for completion in 2017.
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