CIA Monitors Saddam's Away Message
by: Daniel Riehs
WASHINGTON—CIA spokesperson Luke Mayorson announced Wednesday that the CIA has been monitoring Saddam Hussein's away message and buddy profile for the last seven months.
"We're starting to get a good picture of his daily routine," said Mayorson. "Saddam usually gets up around eleven and goes to his political science and philosophy classes. Sometimes he eats lunch with Jimmy, but we believe he prefers to lunch with Susie and Frank."
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Above: A common away message from Saddam Hussein, IEatKurds879. |
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Mayorson then went on to explain that while Saddam hates writing papers, he really likes taking naps. "This guy really likes to sleep, but it seems like he usually stays up till about 3 o'clock in the morning," Mayorson said at a recent press conference. "What's even stranger is that Saddam frequently wakes up to complete assignments between the hours of 5 and 8 AM. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure why he bothers to sign onto Instant Messenger during these work periods. It's not as if an away message that says 'Do not disturb' will prevent people from knocking on his door."
Information gathered from Saddam's away messages will most likely be used to plan an assassination attempt on the Iraqi dictator. Since Saddam's weekend away message frequently just reads "out and about" it is expected that President Bush will schedule the assassination attempt for a weekday.
Critics claim that away messages can be unreliable and misleading. They cite the 1999 incident when Sally was really just washing her hair instead of "Shopping for clothes at the mall;" and more recently, Osama Bin Ladin's away message that read "Not planning terrorist actions against the United States."
Mayorson responded with the following statement.
"I have faith in our program. . . . I'm just a little confused as to why Saddam's been in the shower for seven hours."
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