Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Be wary of potentially evil colleagues today. One of them might be a demon vampire (much worse than the regular ones such as Tom Cruise and The Count from Sesame Street) and will force you to join their evil cult.
Tonight: stay out of dark, shadowy corners, and wear a fang-proof neck shield.
Taurus: (April 20-May 20)
Be sure to check between your toes for any unusual bumps. If unusual bumps are present, do not pop them. The puss inside is poisonous.
Tonight: behead a chicken.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Sever any and all romantic relationships with men or women who are twice or half your age. Such relationships are revolting, and I do not want to see you holding hands and other P.D.A s (Public Displays of Atrocities.)
Tonight: declare that the United States government is not kosher.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
The government is currently devising a secretive conspiracy to screw you this week. Fleeing the country will not work.
Tonight: withdraw all money from your savings account and legally change your name to Tina Turner.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
There might be some turmoil coming your way involving a silent, but rough cowboy wearing a rug. You might have to rob a bank to gain his respect; otherwise you will be forced to do his taxes.
Tonight: stay away from small, dusty towns, and piano bars.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you are not careful, you will be mugged today. Be sure to fix your hair and smile for the camera.
Tonight: repeatedly recite the alphabet until you lose your voice.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Sometime this afternoon, you will soon realize that your entire life has been a fa#231;ade, and you are actually the star of your very own television show. Continue to take showers.
Tonight: punch a pedestrian.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You will learn to speak French today. When the French prime minister approaches you this afternoon, show off your newfound skill and tell him Pierre will play soccer this afternoon, and Mrs. Molina will cook for her family tonight in French. Be sure to offer him a potato.
Tonight: open a box of mothballs and inhale, but do not taste.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A cute, brown bunny is currently tracking you down. Do not be alarmed, it's just after your soul.
Tonight: play Monopoly with family members and cheat.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
At midnight you will be visited by three ghosts: the ghost of Frank Sinatra, the ghost of Dean Martin, and the ghost of Sammy Davis Jr. They will ask you to join the Rat Pack, but do not accept. Also, do not allow Robert De Niro inside your living room, as he will attempt to serve you Wonder Bread.
Tonight: watch the Late Late Show and practice your projectile vomiting.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Try to convince the stoned, middle-aged hippies who keep bothering you that the Age of Aquarius is over with. Detach the boulders from their necks.
Tonight: put on a blue cape and declare yourself dictator of Connecticut.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your household will experience a civil war and split into two sides. Either move your household from the fault zone or throw out the other family.
Tonight: declare bankruptcy.
