Police Prevail In Pickled-Pepper Puzzler
by: Christian Francis Michael Alsis
KAPHLATZDAPUTZ, Id.—Residents were shocked Wednesday morning to learn about one of the biggest pickle heists in town history.
"Honeycomb ran out of the house in the middle of the night and she was barking. I tried to follow the barks but I couldn't! There was a bark, bark here and a bark, bark there. It was a humdinger of a doozy of a confuser if I've ever seen one." This was how Old McDonald, as the 58-year-old farmer likes to be called, described the events of Tuesday night.
"When I came out of my house Wednesday morning, my fields were in a dilly of a mess," said the farmer. "A lot of my crops was uprooted but all that was taken was a pack of pickled peppers."
Acting on an anonymous tip, the police, headed by Police Chief Charles Trundlegrunt, issued a warrant of arrest for a one Peter Piper. Piper, whom our sources believe has a record longer than Barbara Streisand's nose, is known to have a strange affinity for peppers of the pickled variety.
Within hours, Piper was apprehended and charged with burglary, pickled product tampering, and public bestiality (due to an unrelated incident with Mother Goose at a bus station.)
"This is the biggest thing to happen in these parts since the old woman who lived in a shoe was indicted on numerous counts of child neglect," said Chief Trundlegrunt. "There are still questions that remain to be seen, though. The main question is 'How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?'"
At a recent interview, Senator Ticantus Von Icebergh (D-Mz.) offered the following advice to Trundlegrunt.
"Yes. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick? And just how many pickled peppers are actually in a pack? And most importantly, how will we ever be able to sleep soundly knowing that there are sick people in the world like Peter Piper. This is America. We shouldn't have to worry about the safety of our pickled peppers. But we do, and I don't like it. There are some people who are just going to say, 'Hey there's always going to be people who steal.' Well, guess what, there shouldn't be! I'm taking a stand. If I have to fight to be able to know that my pickled peppers are safe then I will. No one is going to steal from me. Not today or any day hereafter. I say to you good people: GIVE ME PICKLED PEPPERS OR GIVE ME DEATH!"
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