Fox Announces The Missing Children Channel
by: Andrew Jarvis
NEW YORK—The Fox Television Network announced an all-new offering Tuesday, The Missing Children Channel. In a sign of the times, cable networks are rushing to add the channel to their lineups.
At a press conference, the newly appointed head of the channel, Gerardo Rivera, discussed its programming style.
"The channel will emphasize missing, photogenic, blonde children from upper-middle-class-and-higher households. We will especially be looking for kids from homes whose parents have controversial backgrounds. The public wants to know about the parents' personal lives. Are they swingers? Do they smoke pot? Has dad ever been arrested for drunk driving? Has the mother ever slept with a woman?"
When asked whether Americans are really faced with a kidnapping crisis, Rivera answered, "Statistically, the number of kidnappings may not be going up, but we are starting to see more and more attractive kids from good homes being taken. The American public cares a lot more about these kinds of kids. After all, who really cares if a fat or Black kid goes missing?"
When asked why the channel will emphasize missing kids from upper-income families, Rivera answered, "We anticipate that most of our viewers will be people with high-spending power. Our opinion polls have shown that upper-income people are the ones who care the most about kids. It is just a coincidence that these are the same people who our sponsors most want to reach."
When asked if emphasizing missing white kids was racist, Rivera answered, "Not at all. We will be covering Black and Hispanic missing kids too—mainly ones who come from families that are dysfunctional in colorful ways. And of course, if we are lucky enough to have the child of a black celebrity kidnapped—let's say the child of a basketball star or rap singer—that will be our top story."
When asked about the demand for such a channel in a country preparing for war with Iraq, Rivera answered, "People used to say that a missing kid was not hard news, but just look at the hard-news guys on TV: the Bill O'Reillys, the Larry Kings, The Regis Philbens—They just can't get enough of the missing kid stuff. What we are bringing to the table is the ability to cover a missing child story twenty-four hours a day. We have found that there is no detail too small for the public, and no form for speculation too ridiculous. We will have the time to engage in the conjecture that the public so very much wants. We will have several investigative teams ready to dig up the minute details—not only on the lives of the parents of the missing children, but also the children's grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, and in-laws."
Asked how such information is relevant to an abduction. Rivera replied, "We look on it as doing a public service as we are assisting the police in their investigation. We have the resources to find out things that the police might not. For example, maybe the child's uncle smokes pot or the mother is a former stripper. These can be vital clues in finding the kidnapper."
Fox CEO Gruff Limbaugh was also at the conference and was asked how there could be room for such a channel in the post 9-11 era of supposed hard news. He answered, "The public is tired of worrying about terrorist threats and weapons of mass destruction. What they want is news they can relate to—misfortunes that are worrisome, yet unlikely to actually happen. Islamic terrorists sport unkempt beards, they have bad fashion sense, and most of them don't even speak English. So who really cares what they are up to? What the public wants is more stories about the type of people who you might see walking through Saks Fifth Avenue on a Sunday afternoon."
In an apparent countermove, NBC announced the launch of the Celebrity Divorce Channel. Spokesman Red Drivel proudly explained the format, "Twenty-four hours of drug and alcohol treatment centers, extra martial affairs, and failed careers. We are going to have every type of personal problem and dysfunction on here that you can imagine, including some that they don't even have names for."
Stay tuned next week when ABC announces its Child Stars Who Became Adult Losers Channel.
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