Shoe Polish Discovered On Cafeteria Hot Dogs
by: Michael Lawrence
LOS ANGELES—Seventh-grader Kevin Rainbow said he noticed something unusual when he bit into his cafeteria hot dog Friday.
"It had a very strange flavor to it," said Rainbow. "For a minute, I thought there was something the matter with my taste buds."
Perplexed, Rainbow said he brought his half-eaten hot dog to eighth-grade scientist Ginger Halibut, who spends most of her recesses conducting scientific experiments. Halibut was equally confused by the appearance of the hot dog.
"Once Kevin brought me the specimen, I immediately put on my trusting pair of latex gloves," said Halibut. "I then smelled the frankfurter and noticed it had an unusual odor. It reminded me of Vaseline."
Halibut said she had a hunch and acted on it.
"Sure enough, when I rubbed the half-eaten wiener on my shoe, my shoe looked brand new. I then did a series of extensive tests and determined that it was shoe polish that coated the hot dog."
Added Halibut, "Shoe polish is certainly not good for consumption, but the hot dog, and most other cafeteria food, really isn't either."
"When taken in large quantities, cafeteria food can be lethal," halibut added. "Fortunately, no one has ever been brave enough to try more than one helping."
"The menu called for polish dogs that day," cafeteria cook, Jade Arsenic said. "And the food service accidentally gave us regular hot dogs."
Arsenic claimed that she was just following the 1997 Menu-Accuracy Act mandating that public school lunch menus be truthful.
"Students shouldn't come to the cafeteria expecting to be served lasagna but get roast beef," said Arsenic. "Even though they do look the same."
Arsenic, who happened to have a jumbo-sized jar of shoe polish sitting in the trunk of her automobile, decided that polishing the hot dogs would adequately comply with the act.
"I just didn't want to get fired. When the state makes a law, they will hunt you down if you break it."
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