University Unveils Controversial Payment Plan
by: Daniel Riehs
BOSTON—A spokesperson for a prestigious eastern university announced a radical new payment plan Tuesday. Starting next August, students and their parents will receive a $10,000 tuition credit for each peasant on the other side of the world that they kill.
"One only needs to press this button here," said Craig Jobson, university spokesperson, "And our space-age peasant-killing technology will extract the soul from a peasant living on the other side of the world and convert it into $10,000."
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Above: The button, file photo. |
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Critics claim that such a payment plan "violates several moral principles," and is clearly "not what Jesus would do."
Proponents of the system have responded with reminders that the victims are, in fact, "peasants" who live on the "other side of the world."
"The chances that an educated American would ever run into one of these people are really very small," said Jobson. "Besides, our research has shown that peasants don't feel pain."
Randy Philips, class of 2004, had the following to say about the new payment policy.
"While I'm nervous about pushing a button, I do like the idea of lowering my tuition. . . . Can I push the button twice?"
At a recent press conference, Senator Tom Daschle (D-S.D.) showed his disapproval of killing peasants.
"I plan to outlaw this process really soon. The American people won't stand for such brutality." Added Daschle, "Now, if you will excuse me, I'm late for my abortion orgy."
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