Man Suspected Of Knowing Form Of Virtue Commits Evil Act
by: Daniel Riehs
HARTFORD, Conn.—Neighborhood florist Hans O'Reilly, long suspected of knowing the form of virtue, committed an evil act Tuesday.
Sources reported that O'Reilly received a payment from long-time patron Fanny Badger Tuesday for a bouquet of flowers that were to be sent to he niece in Collinsville, Connecticut. Although the payment was three dollars greater than it should have been, O'Reilly made no attempt to contact Badger or refund her the extra money.
Experts suspect that O'Reilly planed to use his devil money for some of devious plot that no doubt included illegal gambling, a house of prostitution, and the division of Italy into a collection of warring city-states, each with its own sovereign government.
"I think it's clear that O'Reilly never possessed knowledge of the form of virtue," said Evan Marriott, star of FOX's hit television show, Joe Millionaire. "Not that I know what it's like to possess anything, being a poor construction worker who makes $19,000 a year."
While a recent poll indicated that most Americans agree with Marriott's sentiments, O'Reilly's parents have been quick to disagree, telling reporters that their son's evil act was committed through a misguided rationalization.
"Our son obviously thought that the stealing-is-wrong rule did not apply to this situation. Perhaps he believed that Ms. Badger, being unable to count money correctly, would accidentally give the three dollars to a terrorist organization, or even the Republican Presidential Campaign Fund."
O'Reilly's mother, Gladace O'Reilly, went on to speak about the years that were spent nurturing her son to give him a predisposition for virtue.
"Just knowing the form of goodness," said Gladace, "is useless if someone has not been given the opportunity to practice being good."
After learning that she had been cheated, Fanny Badger erupted in an uncontrollable fit of passion and hacked Hans O'Reilly to pieces with a butcher knife.
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