Neighborhood Man Emerges From Restroom With Thoroughly Dry Hands, Pants
by: Daniel Riehs
LOS ANGELES—Thrity-one-year-old computer programmer Lawrence Johnson emerged from a Burger King restroom Wednesday with thoroughly dry hands and pants. Sources reported that Johnson held his hands under a hot-air drier for upwards of seven minutes before leaving the restroom.
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Above: Dry pants, file photo. |
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Experts speculate that the extended drying session removed all topical moisture from Johnson's hands, thus eliminating any need for him to wipe them on his pants.
"I saw this once before," said janitor Fred Walters at a recent press conference, "but I think the person might have finished the drying job on a bit of paper towel. . . . or perhaps he waved his hands in the air. . . . I can't remember."
Walters went on to explain that the original purpose of hot-air driers was to completely dry people's hands, while decreasing chapping and eliminating paper towel waste.
"They're supposed to be more sanitary than disposable towels and leave restrooms cleaner," added Walters, "but they take so long to work. . . . most people just don't have the patience."
Although Johnson was not available for an interview, scientists believe that his remarkable drying feat began when he placed his hands under the drier.
"There was no need to turn the drier on," said Princeton professor Dr. James Margarine. "The drier was equipped with a sensor that turned the apparatus on automatically. Johnson needed only to hold his hands under the drying nozzle and rub them together slowly to expedite the drying process."
Ironically, sources report that Johnson would have never had the chance to perform his remarkable drying feat if he had not been driven into the bathroom after finding a fetus in his hamburger.
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