Students Petition For Better Cafeteria Service, World Peace
by: Daniel Riehs
BALTIMORE—Pricipal Marty Weinberg was presented with a petition Tuesday that bore the signatures of every seventh grader at Regional Valley Middle School.
The petition called for a more varied selection of foods at the school cafeteria, as well as the complete disarmament of Iraq and related terrorist networks.
"I'm really optimistic about our petition," said honor student Thomas Walterson. "Once principal Weinberg realizes that all [thirty-two of us seventh-graders] believe so strongly in this issue, he will have no choice but to offer Mozzarella sticks on alternating Wednesdays and work for a radical regime change in Iraq, ending more than two decades of tyranny and murder."
At a recent school board meeting, Principal Weinberg touched on the many logistical problems with putting the students' plan into action.
"I didn't make the lunch menus," said Weinberg. "The state board of health has set strict rules for school lunches, and we are required by law to follow the nutritional guidelines that they have set forth. As for the disarmament of Iraq, I am reluctant to attack without the support of the UN Security Council and all of our European allies."
Experts predict that an unsuccessful outcome for the students will leave them feeling powerless, as well and disillusioned about the true nature of American democracy.
"They have to change the lunch menu," said seventh-grader Maggie Boaderson. "The food is yucky. If everyone in the class signs the petition, I don't know how they can refuse. . . . To think that Mr. Weinberg would push away our petition like a two-day-old piece of bread—a really moldy and smelly piece of two-day-old bread . . . I think I've lost my way."
Boarderson then added, "And how difficult can it be destroy group of terrorist networks that only have—at the very most—tenuous links to Saddam's regime?"
In a related story, a group of Mississippi kindergarten students have just compiled a petition that will bring Mr. Rogers back to life.
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