An Interview With Senator John Kerry's Hair
by: Ron Mwangaguhunga
After several frustrated attempts, we were finally granted this important historical moment. So, without further ado, we proudly present for the first time: a print interview with Senator John Kerry's hair.
AsGoodAsNews.com: Charmed, I'm sure; why now?
John Kerry's Hair: I will concede that I have been reluctant in the past, but setting the record straight is important to me.
AGAN: That, and the upcoming Democratic Party primaries. Would you care to take the opportunity to sum up your opposition?
JKH: Rather than disparage the talent in the room, I'd like to state categorically that I am the best head of hair among the Democratic Presidential candidates.
AGAN: That is a bold statement.
JKH: Bold times call for bold statements, my good man.
AGAN: Well, there is no denying that you are a striking coif.
JKH: Even by the considerable standards of Massachusetts, which were instituted by the Kennedy family. I am the measure of all things hair.
AGAN: What about John Edwards? He has impressive hair, no?
JKH: [averted gaze] Well, if you go in for that sort of thing.
AGAN: What is this that we are hearing about Dick Gephardt dying his eyebrows?
JKH: One hears rumors to that effect. (Unnerved) Look, what about me?
AGAN: Sorry. So, tell us: what are your secrets to looking good. (confidentially) Is it Washingtonian power hairstylist Christophe?
JKH: Please. Christophe is so over.
AGAN: So tell us.
JKH: You're going to laugh.
AGAN: No, that would be unprofessional. Trust me, I won't laugh. What is your secret for looking so good?
JKH: Heinz Dark Brown Mustard.
AGAN: Oh dear.
JKH: Smeared liberally overnight, it works wonders. Also, I like to tell my constituents in Massachusetts that said mustard is just grand for use in grilled crab po' boys.
AGAN: I'm sure it is.
JKH: So you see there are many political advantages to my wife, Theresa Heinz.
AGAN: Yes, I was meaning to get to that.
JKH: I really am not at liberty to discuss her.
AGAN: [crestfallen] Well, okay, how about the President's economic stimulus plan?
JKH: Can't talk about that either, old boy. I'll leave the meditations on the merits of the President's plan to help Americans earn ends meet to the Senator. My primary concern, rather, is the avoidance of split ends.
AGAN: Very well. Let's try something innocuous. What color are you?
JKH: That's not a political minefield. I am chestnut with a liberal sprinkling of dusted gray.
AGAN: Liberal, you say?
JKH: A poor choice of words, in retrospect. Let's just say I am a well textured mop of dusted-grey hair.
AGAN: Are you worried about going completely gray?
JKH: Pardon?
AGAN: It's a well known fact that the rigors and the burdens of the office of the Presidency turn their resident gray within the first year. That's a fact: look at Bush and Clinton and, as we speak, George W. Are you saying that you are not aware of this fact?
JKH: [hesitant] I am not unaware. . . .
AGAN: Well then what is your position on going prematurely gray?
JKH: Ah, hair today, gone tomorrow?
AGAN: If you say so. Now . . .
JKH: You say that this going gray is an established fact.
AGAN: Of course.
JKH: Right. Well, I'm going to have to close the lid on things.
AGAN: —But.
JKH: So good of you to drop by, but I have things to discuss with the Senator.
AGAN: Oh well. Good luck in the primaries.
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