Man Has Too Many Issues For Local Mental Health Clinic
by: Scott Mahler
SEATTLE—Bob Pearson, a neighborhood private-school guidance counselor, was denied help by a mental health clinic Tuesday because he had "too many neuroses."
A spokesperson for the Freudian Slip Mental Health Clinic said simply, "The guy has more issues than the New Yorker magazine. And it's not only the amount of mental problems Mr. Pearson has, but also the fact that they're as conflicting as a vegetarian butcher. Plus, he doesn't have any health insurance; I had to explain to him that sanity and peace of mind AREN'T free."
When reached for comment, Mr. Pearson said, "Yeah, I know I have a lot of things I need to work out. I'm obsessive-compulsive about being laid back and only doing things in moderation; I have anxiety about being so calm; I'm paranoid about people NOT following me; I'm very decisive about my indecision; the voices in my head only tell me to do nice things, like volunteer at Nursing homes; I have delusions of grandeur about being an ordinary, regular person; and I'm depressed about being so happy and content all the time."
Dr. Henry Thoms, a psychology professor at the University of Washington and certified psychologist, said, "Mr. Pearson's problem is very prevalent in our modern society. He's probably a very normal, well-adjusted person, who just thinks he has these problems because of all the 'psycho-babble' in this country. As a result, people like him seek counseling from inept professionals who probably have more problems than the people they're trying to help. My advice would be for him to just relax, think positively, and do what I do: Take daily electro-shock therapy."
Asked what he's going to do next, Mr. Pearson said, "Well, I guess I'll continue my quest for mental health by either watching more Dr. Phil or committing suicide."
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