Rumsfeld Announces That US Will Use Saddam To Capture Osama

by: Christian Alsis

      WASHINGTON—At a press conference yesterday, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld spoke about the capture of Saddam Hussein.

      "I have said from the beginning that our conflict in Iraq has been about three things," Rumsfeld told reporters, "Capturing the war criminal Saddam Hussein; finding the weapons of mass destruction that the war criminal Saddam Hussein had been harboring; and implementing a democracy, finally ending the reign of terror of the weapons-harboring war criminal, Saddam Hussein. But, hey, one out of three ain't bad, right?"

      Rumsfeld then talked about US plans to capture whom he referred to as "that other Arab guy." Rumsfeld announced a complex plan to capture Osama Bin Laden by using "the war criminal" Saddam Hussein.

      Listed below is the Secretary of Defense's six-point plan, which he described to reporters:

1. President Bush and Saddam Hussein will switch identities via a complex operation using skin grafts, voice manipulation devices, and the piece de resistance of the operation: a face switch. This procedure will have to be secret and only a few people can know about it. (Rumsfeld apparently neglected to realize a press conference is not the perfect place to reveal these types of plans.)

2. Next, the FBI, CIA, Fox News Channel, and Texas Rangers will work in conjunction with the White House to stage and report both "Saddam Hussein's" apparent death and a promotional stunt where "President Bush" goes to baseball training camp a la Garth Brooks.

3. "Saddam Hussein," who is no longer the war criminal, but is, in fact, President Bush, will go to the Middle East where he will attempt to make contact with members of al Qaeda.

4. Upon meeting Osama, "Saddam" will engage in polite banter reminiscent of the good old days when they used to kill a lot of people.

5. Back in United States, "President Bush", who is actually "the war criminal" Saddam Hussein, will escape from baseball training camp. He, unlike Garth Brooks, will not attempt to guise his personality with any sort of alter ego, not even the super cool Chris Gaines. He will use his Presidential look to fly to the Middle East in Air Force One, after he kicks out Harrison Ford.

6. Once in the Middle East, "Saddam Hussein" and "President Bush" will fight each other with knives. They will be stopped only when Osama Bin Laden shows up and threatens to shoot them. "Saddam" will urge Osama to shoot Saddam, and "President Bush" will urge Osama to shoot President Bush. Osama will opt to shoot "President Bush" because, and he will say it, "I never liked the guy." (Definite opportunity for alternate ending for the DVD) Anyway, Osama will only realize that he has killed the wrong guy when "Saddam" tries to attack him. Osama will then lead "Saddam" on an awesome boat chase that finally ends (after 20 minutes) with Osama being killed.

      "We believe that this plan will run smoothly," said the Rumsfeld. "After all, it looked simple enough to pull off the last time I watched it."

      Experts believe that Rumsfeld was referring to the popular movie Face/Off.

      At our deadline, John Woo could not be reached for comment.

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