Neighborhood Develops Plan To Drive Down Gas Prices
BROOKVILLE, Ohio—Neighborhood residents have developed a unique plan to drive down high gas prices. By implementing fuel-efficient transportation methods, as well as carefully-designed infrastructure changes, they hope to cut their town's gasoline usage in half by the year 2010.
The residents hope that lowered fuel consumption will persuade oil companies to drastically lower gasoline prices, making it once again affordable for residents to fill up their SUVs and other low-fuel-efficiency vehicles.
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Above: High gas price, file photo. |
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"We've found a bunch of sneaky ways to cut back on our use of gasoline," said Josh Robinson, a long-time Brookville resident. "I just bought a gas-electric hybrid that gets over seventy miles per gallon, not that I really need to drive it much anymore, though, with the new monorail and sidewalk system that's just been built."
Robinson hopes that his decreased gas usage will be interpreted as a big "F You" by oil companies. Only when their sales drop, Robinson reasons, will the gas companies give in and lower prices, ultimately making it affordable for him to commute to work in his sixteen-seat Hummer.
The Brookville initiative has become so popular, in fact, that people all over the United States are joining the lowered-gas campaign.
Susan Phillips of Cherry Hill, New Jersey walked to work every single day since the end of May.
"It's taken a toll, as you can see by all the weight I've lost," Phillips told reporters, "but I believe in the cause."
Bryan Schmidt, A long-time acquaintance of Phillips, was so impressed by the way that she "screwed the big oil companies" that he decided to use his multi-billion-dollar life savings to construct a futuristic infrastructure for the desperately poor country of Ethiopia, and implement every man, woman, and child, with a Segway Human Transportation Device.
"I just get so emotional when I see the impact that I've made," said Schmidt at a recent press conference. "To think that I've been able to bring about the modernization of an entire country without giving a cent to those heartless oil companies . . . it almost brings a tear to my eye."
Schmidt then continued, "Damn you, oil companies! Damn you and your prices! I hope this will teach you a lesson, and when you are going bankrupt and selling gasoline at 50 cents a gallon from your spot in the gutter, only then . . . only then will the Ethiopians be able to build a monstrous highway system and fuel the giant, gas-guzzling SUVs they so richly deserve."
Pundits argue that such radical infrastructure and lifestyle changes that are being introduced in Brookville and around the world rarely have much effect on gas prices.
Said one pundit, "These people just don't understand economics."
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