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Volume 1, Issue 1
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Your Horoscope
by: Daniel Riehs, C.H. (Certified Horoscopist)
Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Oh Aries, look what you've gotten yourself into this time.
Taurus: (April 20-May 20)
Your tragic flaw will ultimately cause you spiral into murderous insanity and aboriginal pedagogy.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Bruce Willis is a ghost!
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Oh, I get it. Mountain Dew.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
Note: AOL member profiles are not accessible through AOL Instant Messenger.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I suggest that you put the Muppet away.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
No, your other right hand.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Hey, look at my feet. You like those Rockersons? Look in your closet, there's a pair for you. Don't like em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ever seen a guy say goodbye to a shoe?
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
So she says, 'No, take the anti-derivative.'
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
First, I want you to collect an infinite number of monkeys and set them to work on an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite period of time. . . .
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
There's no way I'm going to be able to write one of these things for every issue.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Blah, blah, blah. Look at me; I'm a horoscoper. I'm cool. I write horoscopes. La, la, la.
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