It's Opiate Time
by: Daniel Riehs
WASHINGTON—Oklahoma representative Ernest Istook recently proposed a bill permitting drug use in public schools. The congressman decided to bring up his proposal after observing new trends in the drug-use habits of teenage Americans.
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Above: Ernest Istook, file photo. |
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When asked to explain these trends, Istook speculated that following September 11th, teens increased their intake of intoxicants to combat depression and alleviate fears of terrorist attacks.
"In response to these increases," explained Istook, "Many schools have already started to distribute marijuana and crack-cocaine to their students. Some have even gone so far as to promote stolen OxyConton pills over school public address systems."
Istook also informed reporters about a junior high school in Minnesota that instituted a minute of "opiate time" each morning before classes.
"These actions show that American's opinions about drugs in school have changed, and it is time to remove the unfair restrictions that 'drug-hating crazys' have placed on school administrators," said Istook.
Istook went on to say, "This new law would in no way promote a single drug. In fact, all students would not even be required to participate. All we ask is that if a student does not wish not to participate, he respects the rights of his peers by standing in silence while everyone else smokes up."
Experts doubt that Istook will be able to push his bill through congress.
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