Stem Cells: It's What's for Dinner
by: Martha Maybury*
I've been struggling with my weight for years. Sometime I manage to lose a few pounds, but I always gain the weight back—usually more than I started with.
Recently, though, I've developed a brand new diet plan that promises to revolutionize the way that people lose weight. This new diet is low in fat, low in calories, and high in stem cells.
That's right, stem cells. Just swallow two tablespoons of human-embryo mush with each meal, and watch those excess pounds melt away.
Now, some people are skeptical of my new system. They claim that ingesting billions of primitive humans is "immoral," or "horribly wrong." Let me tell you, those people couldn't be farther from the truth.
Stem cells are technology, and technoloy is great. Therefore, people who are against eating stem cells are against being great. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
You're probably also thinking that stem cells from placental tissue work just as well as those from young embryos. Well, let me tell you, you're totally wrong. There is absolutely no scientific link between placental tissue and weight loss. Embryos are the only way to go.
I think I'm going to package my system real nice and sell it on TV. I'll sell it for $19.95. Maybe I'll even include a pamphlet entitled "Ten Easy Ways for You and Your Spouse to Create a Whole Bunch of Tasty Stem Cells."
Isn't technology grand?
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*And by Martha Maybury, we mean Daniel Riehs.
Why is this footnote here?
