Malicious Content
The REAL The Panic Room is seeing Jodie Foster locked in a bedroom with a randy heterosexual male. Guess which one would panic?
Now that Ally McBeal has been cancelled, Calista Flockhart has vowed to surgically put on needed weight. Rather than getting the foreign taste of food in her mouth, she has elected to do "hippo-suction"; a new medical procedure where fat is excised from one obese person and placed onto an anorexic one. Rosie O'Donnell has volunteered her to donate her fat for the nourishmentally challenged actress. Rosie panted, "I've always wanted to get on top of Calista and surgery is my only chance.
Actor Robert Iler, Tony Soprano's chubby offspring weaseled out of doing some jail time for robbery with a reefer. Pity. I was hoping a prison cellmate would've made a "Soprano" a soprano.
Save The Tree activist Beth O'Brien couldn't save herself as she fell 150 feet to her death while protestingly sitting in—and tumbling from—a tree. Renowned Save the Rain Forest Fund Raiser, the self important Sting, even had a larf over this, noting, "A nut never does fall far from the tree."
TLC troublemaker, Lisa Lopes, who was arrested for burning down her boyfriend's (pro football player Andre Rison) house, met her death in the vacation hotspot of Honduras. Rumor has it she is to be cremated in a coffin resembling Mr. Rison's house with Andre igniting her final resting place. Her fellow TLC member,T-Boz sadly stated that "in honor of Left Eye's untimely death, from now on, TLC will stand for 'That Lousy Car.'"
The strife in the Middle East has halted production on Steven Spielberg's foray into sitcom land with The Hebrew Mooners. The pilot episode had Ralph Kramdenstein and his wife Allahce Kramdenstein, defusing a terrorist's bomb belt on the bus Ralph drives in Jerusalem. Ralph, played by Josh Mostel, warns Allahce (played by Fran Dresher), that if he didn't stop the mad bomber, "One of these days, Allahce, bang, zoom, to the moon!"
Good to see normalcy has returned to Bethlehem. The bowling alley has re-opened and features "Jesus Christ Pin Night." When the front pin is knocked down, it rises again
Leave it to the Rev. Jessse Jackson to dip his toe into the publishing waters with the announcement that he will start publishing Ebonky magazine—a magazine for mullattos "that explores their ebony and honky side" Jesse said, "This mag for mulatts will start publication on Feb. 29, so it will have one toe in black history month and the other toes in the months that the white man stole from us." The Rock, Halle Berry and Alicia Keys will be sharing the front cover as they discuss how they accidentally re-discovered their Caucasion roots while shampooing their hair
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*And by Mark Daponte, we mean Mark Daponte.
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