Snooky's Workplace Tips

by: Snooky*

Dear Snooky,

      What should I say in response to an inane social greeting such as "What's up?", "How's it hanging?" or "How's it going?" My coworkers ask me these questions every day, and sometimes several times, and I'm feeling lame saying "Pretty good" all the time. I really want to tell them to piss off.

—Tad Irritated

Dear Tad,

      Your coworkers sound like stereotypical cloned adult males, brought up with the American values of football, beer, and of course, salty pretzels. Pity them. When they are married (if they aren't already) with three children and two mortgages, and you are older and very lonely, you can at least hope that they will drown in the waves of their regret.

      To solve the problem at hand, here are some acceptable responses to your coworker's saluations:

Scenario One:

Coworker: What's up?
You: My underwear. I'm having problems keeping it out of the crack of my ass. Want to help?

Scenario Two:

Coworker: How's it hanging?
You: Um, it's hanging to the left.^**

^**Due to Richard Pryor, this is the only acceptable response to this question. Your coworker will understand, and hopefully will never speak to you again.

Scenario Three:

Coworker: How's it going?
You: It's 3:45.

Much love,
—Snooky

---

Dear Snooky,
      I'm having problems at work. I keep fanasizing about my coworker's head exploding and showering everything with gore. What's wrong with me?

—Fantastic Fantasies, Mmmmm . . .

Dear Fantastic Fantasties,

      There's nothing wrong with a healthy fantasy life. However, if you find yourself getting a nervous tic when you and your coworker are waiting for the elevator and you notice the fire axe hanging nearby, then you might want to think about professional therapy.

      On the chance that you do go on a murderous rampage, do it with style! Axes and explosives are so outre. I suggest tying them all up in the office and then filling the room with fire retardant foam. And, be sure to send Thank You notes the next day.

Much love,
—Snooky

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^*And by Snooky, we mean Ryan Addams.
 Why is this footnote here?