Malicious Content
Elton John, in an attempt to connect with a younger audience, is now doing a rap record and touring under the moniker of Poof Daddy.
A Hollywood insider has just informed this reporter that a major studio is remaking the sci-fi thriller Fantastic Voyage. Its plot? A medical team is shrunk to microscopic size and injected inside a comatosed super scientist to cure him of a blood clot in his brain. The remake's plot? A medical team led by Robert Downey Jr. is shrunk to microscopic size and injected inside a comatosed Jennifer Lopez's colossal keister to cure her of a painful hemorrhoid. Producers are worried that the cinematic journey through Ms. Lopez's prime asset will take over ten hours and intend to shoot the film in fast motion.
Little Stevie Spielberg is at it again. He has optioned the computer-animated story of cows putting Ronald McDonald on trial for the mass murder of billions and billions of bovines. Working title: The Nurem-burger Trial. I state: Golden Arches=Box Office Gold.
Speaking of titles: The producers of Jeopardy! are mulling over a lawsuit vs. the makers of the latest James Bond sequel. Seems like Bond's men pinched their title from a Jeopardy! show. The answer "The World Is Not Enough" was the end result of the question, "What did Marlon Brando say after he ate the world's food supply?"
I state: Michael J. Fox should be the next James Bond; just to show that people can work even if they have Parkinson's Disease. He can even say, "Shaken, not stirred" and mean it.
In an announcement sure to stun Republican restaurateurs, NRA mouthpiece Charlatan Heston and George W. Bush have joined forces to create a theme restaurant called "Rifles and Racks"; combining America's love of long guns and large breasted waitresses. In a joint announcement, both men simultaneously announced that there "ain't nothing like holding a firm .38 in each hand." When asked how they chose the chain restaurant's name, Mr. Bush gleefully replied that his advisors advised him that his first choice of "Uzi's and Floozies" was not suitable for a family restaurant. The first restaurant will break ground in Times Square and feature a "Midnight Special" dinner which includes venison filled with the purest lead, served with Silver Bullet Beer. All patrons will receive a replica of the silver spoon Mr. Bush was born with.
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*And by Mark Osborne, we mean Mark Daponte.
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