Canada: The Solution To Orrin Hatch
by: François Arouet*
Over the recent days, the issue of a respect for life has come into the forefront of Congressional discussions. Ever since the landmark case in Texas where a man was executed for jaywalking, the country has been divided. This reporter supports the Texas decision and proposes a new law that would allow very late-term abortions. Allowing abortions up until the 150th term would allow us to eliminate the nasty word "execute" from our vocabulary and still allow us to get rid of society's horrible mistakes.
In another story, Orrin Hatch has challenged Wolf Blitzer to a duel. The person who wins will have the undisputed coolest name in the history of politics. The contest will involve slapping the other person in the face with a rubber chicken. The duel will conclude when one of the participants is killed or when either man realizes the absurdity of the dispute and concedes defeat.
When asked about the situation, Strom Thurmond stated, "Blah-di-blah-blah-blah." He then proceeded to inform reporters that he was not only the king of the world, but the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world. Senility has finally set in for the senator.
The truth of the matter, according to this reporter, is that America has seriously degenerated. We live in a world where senators can duel to the death with rubber chickens, but people can't get extremely late-term abortions. What does all of this mean for the United States, you ask? I suggest that it is a message to the anarchists of America: Pick up your bags and relocate to Canada.
It's about time we finally make the move.
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*And by François Arouet, we mean Daniel O'Keefe.
Why is this footnote here?
