I Will Build A Giant Golden Palace For Myself, And You Will Worship Me As Your God
by: William "Buddy" Fingerson*
It is time once again to elect a President to lead our student-body government. Every year, candidates make preposterous claims in hopes of capitalizing on the ignorant and largely apathetic nature students at our university.
This, my friends, is unfair. It is unfair that someone should be elected because he promises to eliminate term papers or lower the state drinking age. These promises are impossible to keep, and they insult the intelligence of our student body.
My platform for president will be realistic. It will be based around three points.
The first point involves improved communication between students and faculty members.
The second point involves an increase in school spirit and participation in campus-wide activities.
The third point of my plan involves the construction of a giant golden palace in the middle of campus where I will live in luxury with my concubines and you will all worship me as your god.
With your help, I can accomplish all three of these points. Just imagine how much better our university will be when students are not afraid to talk to their professors; intellectually stimulating, alcohol-free activities keep students busy on campus each weekend; and every one of you make a habit of bowing before my golden throne and thanking me, your omnipotent Lord of the Universe, for your very consciousness and existence.
Elections will be held on Tuesday from 10:00 AM to 3:00 PM in Williams 405. Don't forget to vote.
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*And by William "Buddy" Fingerson, we mean Daniel Riehs.
Why is this footnote here?
