Ladies And Gentlemen, Allow Me To Explain Pot Theory
by: Marshall Mattson*
Can you believe it's been four years since I stood in this room very room and proposed my research plan to all of you? It's hard to believe, I know.
Four years ago I was unknown in the field of restaurant-check-paying. My work was going unnoticed and my theories were going unappreciated. If you, the members of the board, had not placed your trust in me, I would have slowly slipped from the public eye and out of the scientific community.
Your generous funding has allowed me to construct a detailed report on the nature of the restaurant "pot." You see, money that is collected by friends at a restaurant is placed in the center of the table in a sort of pot. This pot has been the basis of my research up to this date.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to explain "Pot Theory."
When the check arrives, the first person who reaches for it is designated the "Pot Master." Other suitable titles for this person include "The Master of the Pot," and "Our Lord President." Once the Pot Master looks at the check, no other member of the party may gaze upon it in all of its checkfull wonderness. There are no exceptions to this rule.
The Pot Master begins by announcing the total amount owed and then a suitable amount that includes the tip.
During round #1 each person places an amount of money in the pot that he or she feels morally responsible to pay. For instance, members of the landed gentry may choose to be especially generous when adding money to the pot, while starving Iraqi children could get away with only contributing a few dollars.
Once the first round is completed, the Pot Master announces the target amount and the amount in the pot. If the amount in the pot is just shy of the target amount, any participant may exclaim, "The service was awful, let's go." At this point, all present would leave the restaurant. If the amount in the pot is slightly high, any participant may exclaim, "The service was great, let's go." At this point the pot would again be closed and all participants would leave. If neither of these options occur, round two begins—much like round one—with all participants amending their contributions in hopes of reaching moral excellence and ultimately hitting the target amount.
If at any time the target amount is actually reached, the pot is instantly closed and no further changes can be made.
It is important to remember that I did not create pot theory. I have compiled it by observing the habits of humans. You created pot theory. I have only reported what you have always known, but perhaps have been afraid to admit.
Thank you for your time.
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*And by Marshall Mattson, we mean Daniel Riehs.
Why is this footnote here?
