Third Graders to Fight
by: Daniel Riehs
BALTIMORE, MD—Eight-year-old Jeremy Jones will face off against Nine-year old Marty Philips at the Franklin Elementary School parking lot Tuesday, sources reported.
The fight to will solve a weeks-old dispute involving the ownership of a rare Pokemon trading card.
Jeremy and Marty used to be really good friends," said classmate Susie Bryers. "But then someone told Jeremy that Marty was planning to steal his box of crayons. It was all kind of stupid. Jeremy's mom works in an art store, so he has access to lots of different kinds of crayons. I think Jeremy just felt uncomfortable not having control over the contents of his art box."
Although the reports were later found out to be fabricated, the crayon incident left an uneasy hatred between the two boys. Experts hypothesize that these feelings of dislike surfaced when Marty showed up at school in with a brand new Pokemon trading card.
"Jeremy started whining about how Marty had stolen his card," said Franklin Elementary Principal Josh Waterson. "Then he challenged Marty to a fight out in the parking lot. I really wanted them to get permission from the superintendent before starting the fight, but Jeremy insisted that he didn't need permission from anybody to protect his own property."
The fight is scheduled to begin at 4:00 on Tuesday afternoon. Each student has agreed to bring only ten friends to help with the fighting.
"I insisted that they follow a few simple rules," said school counselor Genevieve Constance, during a telephone interview. "Each team is allowed to kill members of the opposing team with knives and guns, but chemical sprays are strictly prohibited. Additionally, combatants must not fire upon members of the opposing team who choose to surrender."
Although millions of people around the world—including Pope John Paul II—have spoken out against the upcoming conflict, relatives of the children involved have felt a need to give unconditional support.
"Stab that bastard in the face!" screamed Jeremy's mother.
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