War Imminent Following Enslavement Of Canada
by: Daniel Riehs
WASHINGTON—Republican and Democratic members of Congress united behind President Bush following the announcement that Saddam Hussein and his army of genetically-altered mutants had completely enslaved the nation of Canada.
"This Iraqi regime has no respect for the dignity of human life," said President Bush as he addressed the nation Tuesday. "Our course of action is clear: if we do not liberate the Canadian people; the Iraqi troops will march into the United States and slaughter every man, woman, and child they see."
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Above: Canadian enslavement, artist's rendering. |
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Bush then added, "Just last night, God, the eternal creator and ruler of the universe, agreed to join our coalition. Although God has no real military presence, he has given me his personal guarantee that any American who dies in the conflict will instantly be brought to heaven, where he or she will rest in the lap of Abraham for all eternity."
With the addition of God to the coalition, Bush becomes the first U.S. President to lead a war that is unopposed by every being—both spiritual and temporal—in the entire universe.
Donald H. Rumsfeld was eager to tell reporters about the new technology that would be used in this war—the conflict that some have been calling the first "real war" of the twenty-first century.
"Our new M-24 missiles and bullets have the capability of judging people's souls before hitting their targets. With this new technology, not a single innocent person will be killed.
When one confrontational reporter asked Rumsfeld what would happen if a dozen innocent people were found to be living in a city that was to be attacked, Rumsfeld responded by saying, "If so much as one righteous person is found within the city walls, the entire city will be saved."
"The objectives of this war are clear," said President Bush. "This is a war of good against evil. The Iraqi people are the offspring of Satan, and it is up to the American people to carry out the divine will of God and purge the evil that is Iraq from the face of the earth."
The war will begin at 4:00 Eastern on Fox. The Good Guys will be dressed in white and gold, and the Bad Guys will be dressed in black and red.
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