Bush Shifts Emphasis of War to Securing Freedom from Gravity
by: Robert S. Harpe*
WASHINGTON, DC—President George W. Bush wasted no time in responding to the question posed yesterday in an editorial published in the French newspaper, Le Monde, entitled, "Where is Bush's War Going?" The controversial article focused on increasing numbers of civilian casualties worldwide from the American President's perpetual war on terror.
Signaling a major shift in the direction of White House war policy emphasis, Mr. Bush called for a relentless war against gravity in the months ahead, opening a major new front in the rapidly escalating World War that began last year with the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq.
Speaking to an audience of leading representatives of the Gravity Abolitionist Party (G.A.P.), the powerful neo-conservative (neo-con) extremist lobby of the Republican Party (G.O.P.), at an unofficial fundraiser held in the East Wing of the White House; the President dismissed the increasingly alarming civilian casualty issue as an unfortunate but predictable outcome of the emerging war on gravity. Mr. Bush blamed Mother Nature and her terrorist allies for ruthless retaliatory strikes against innocent citizens around the world. In his remarks, the President specifically identified gravity as Mother Nature's chief henchman and major weapon of mass destruction.
The President described the new war on gravity as a necessary and noble enterprise that will make the world safer for democracy and free-market capitalism, but more importantly, free the good people of the world from the clutches of gravity and its murderous allies.
Asked by the lone member of the Washington Press Corps in-bedded at the Republican fundraiser which murderous allies he specifically had in mind, the President smirked and covered the microphone with his hand for several minutes while engaged in private consultations with close advisors and business partners, Richard Perle, the popular pro-Zionist war profiteer, and Ari Fleischer, the President's personal spokesman and spin doctor.
Mr. Bush returned to the podium to name oxygen, fresh drinking water, and uncontaminated food sources as among the chief enemies of freedom loving people everywhere. Along with gravity, these repressive natural forces form a deadly, all-pervading Axis of Evil sponsored by Mother Nature that, according to the President, threatens freedom and national security everywhere.
"These adversaries are just the deadly tip of Nature's iceberg of terror," claimed the President, reading from prepared remarks. "These ancient enemies of freedom, justice, and commercial opportunity are extremely capable opponents. These enemies of the security of sovereign nations are very shrewd. And their whereabouts, obviously, is widespread."
Referring to evidence culled from recent monthly Intelligence Briefings issued by the Department of Fatherland Security, in which covert operations by gravity and its allies are described in detail, Mr. Bush compared the new enemy to terrorist cells similar to the President s former, all-but-forgotten enemies, al Qaeda. "They can pop up anywhere," the President warned, "Just like al Qaeda. But we'll be watching for them when they do. And we'll take 'em down!"
In his closing remarks, Mr. Bush asserted that when the war against gravity and its terrorist allies is won, we will be able to say to all people, in every nation of the world, "We Americans were proud to pitch the first game in the fateful charge against the deadliest foes mankind has ever faced. America was proud to fight for your freedom, to kill and die for your freedom from gravity and all it represents."
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*The article printed above is excerpted from The New Yorker (Issue of 2004-03-07), to be reprinted in a forthcoming book, De Gravitas: On the Emerging Global Gravity Crisis, by Robert S. Harpe. Robert S. Harpe is a freelance journalist, self-proclaimed anti-war correspondent, and author of social and political satire. The reclusive writer lives alone with his parrot, Swifty, on an island somewhere in the South Pacific. For comments, permission to reprint the article, or related matters, the author welcomes readers to contact him directly at degravitas@hotmail.com.
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