Allow Me To Articulate My Restaurant Service Theory
There are those among us whom upon receiving poor service at restaurants express their discontent through the flailing of arms and legs. Such absurd flailing is often accompanied by verbal complaints, horrendous facial expressions, and preposterous harrumphtuitiveness.
Why do people feel the need for such displays? What primal urges are satisfied when restaurant goers exerts power over waitresses at Denny's? Who developed such ridiculous rules to govern behaviors at eating establishments?
Clearly there is tradition in place. Clearly people are following some sort of societal convention, a theory if you will.
Allow me to articulate my restaurant service theory.
Eating at a restaurant is a game, a competition between patrons and wait staff. The competition starts as soon as I sit down at my table, and is not completed until I leave the eatery.
The rules are simple. The waiter or waitress can do anything he or she wishes, and I can leave any tip that I wish.
By the rules of my theory, a waiter should not feel guilty about giving me the wrong pasta order or failing to mention that the Coke he plans to give me is actually Pepsi. In fact, I welcome it. I will simply adjust my tip accordingly.
If drinks are spilt on me, I will give a smaller tip. If the entr�es are brought out at different times, I will likewise just give a smaller tip.
If the waiter spills molten magma on my face, causing me to get third degree burns all over my body, and then makes up for his mistake by giving me a free dessert which is actually just a severed human hand served over a bed of gorilla feces, I will not complain. I will not flail. I will simply give a smaller tip.
I will then shake hands with my waiter, and we will part ways.
And although we may not part as friends . . . although we may not part as buddies . . . we will part as equals.
Thank you for allowing me to articulate my restaurant service theory.
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*And by Marshall Mattson, we mean Daniel Riehs.
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